


Until I Find Your Star

by beckling



Series: Mourning/Alone [4]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: M/M, cheesiest so far, closes the series!, i think...?, love me some hitogeki feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 00:48:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15522414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckling/pseuds/beckling
Summary: Nageki reflects on why he became a ghost.





	Until I Find Your Star

 

Nageki sat on his accustomed windowsill, watching the scenery he’d eventually grown fond of with the years, often pondering about the books he’d just read. The one he held open now was bought for him recently by Hiyoko. Being a library clerk had surely refined the human’s tastes over time, though her genre always stayed one and the same: cheesy romance fiction. Not that it bothered him, of course. He read most things without feeling any particular emotion. If anything, he liked the mere act of reading, as a way to divert his mind from dwelling on the past too much.

Unfortunately, though, this time's story wasn’t very helpful on that matter.

It was the fairy tale of a robin who’d fallen in love with a swallow who had broken wings. Typical setting for old bird love stories - from the time when humans were still the dominant species on the planet - and yet, it managed to be somehow engaging.  
  
Because of his injured condition, the swallow couldn’t fly, and this could only mean his certain death, as swallows can only eat while flying. Taking pity, a courageous robin had decided to build a nest around him and care for him until he recovered, bringing food every day and staying by his side during his sufferings. The swallow was happy because of the companionship and the two became quickly inseparable.

But with the season of snow approaching, things began to change. Robins are sturdy birds with fluffy feathers who can survive pretty well in the winter, but swallows are, on the contrary, supposed to migrate and find a warmer home. The robin tried his utmost to keep the swallow alive even under the terribly low temperatures, which only worsened his condition. Even at the risk of his own life, the robin provided him all the food he could find, leaving none for himself, but it was to no avail. When the swallow's condition drastically worsened one early December night and he felt that he was close to pass away, he thanked the robin and asked him to leave, live his own life and be happy for him, but--

That was when Nageki had stopped reading. Something was bothering him about the entire story. He didn’t feel like continuing - like he already knew how it was going to end, or didn’t want to know at all. Overall, the interaction between the two protagonists felt way too familiar, and it hit too close to home for Nageki to truly dissociate.

What a pain. Hiyoko really was helpless. But it wasn’t her fault. She had no idea what had made Nageki a ghost in the first place, because he’d never told her. There was no point in telling her anyway, because--  
  
The wind blew, a reddish leaf from outside the window fell onto the open book. This only prompted Nageki to involuntarily read the line below the covered text, as he brushed the leaf away. Unfortunately, every time he started reading, it was hard to stop.  
 _  
But one day a crow came to their nest, saying that he knew of a place where fire always burned, near where there lived many gentle humans who would surely help the little swallow. They would have mended his wings just in time for him to fly south - so the crow had said. He also reassured them, claiming he’d been helped by the same humans in the past, as his right wing had been broken once. It still hurt now sometimes, but he could fly normally nonetheless._

_Both the robin and the swallow were doubtful._

_"Will he really be able to fly…? And reach his friends?” Asked the robin._

_"Of course he will. If they took pity of a scary crow like me, they'll surely do their best for the little swallow.”_

_After discussing it for a while with his injured friend, the courageous robin became resolute and made his final decision._

_“Then take us there! We’ll follow you!”_

_So the crow replied, “I will lead on, but the flight is long and snow is coming ahead. We’ll have to be quick, or your friend will not make it in time and freeze. I’ll take him between my claws, while you can stay attached to my back.”_

_The robin nodded and took off with the other two. Snow was growing thick, and the robin, small in size, was getting blown away by the wind. The crow, on the contrary, managed to take advantage of the currents and flew higher and higher - to heights a little robin could never reach. That way, the crow disappeared in the mist with the swallow in his claws; and with a swift move of his wing, he shoved the robin behind. The robin lost sight of the other two, and for a long time wandered about in the storm, yelling his friend's name in vain._

Nageki grunted; he really wasn’t liking this story. Shoving the book aside with a little disdain, he took another one from the bundle on the table and tried to forget what had upset him. This was Anghel’s draft, right? He couldn’t make anything out of the jumbled mess of his handwriting and the exaggerated sound effects over his drawings - besides, mangas wasn't something Nageki understood or liked in the first place - but it was fine as long as it made him cool down.

Soon enough, though, Nageki had to admit to himself that he'd been reading absolutely nothing of what was under his eyes, while in his head he kept going over that previous story. He ruminated on how it was going to continue, on why it had sounded so familiar, why...  
  
“Why did he…” of course, he was referring to _him_ , though he rarely liked to remember that sad, sad name. “Why did _he_ always have to go to such lengths...? Why couldn’t we...” Nageki eventually found himself muttering low. Sighing deeply, he discarded Anghel’s manga. “Why couldn’t we just stay like that forever?”

Lying his head on the table lazily, he started reminiscing the past like in a dream. And his mind drove to the memories he wanted to lock away the most, the days before that letter came: the sweetest and most painful ones to remember.

In that memory, Hitori is always grazing his cheek, a look of love in his smile. They are stuck in the same bed for days, because Nageki’s cough never seems to stop and makes it hard for him to sleep. Hitori is there to keep him from trembling, holding him all night long, rubbing his hands on his back and losing hours and hours of sleep for him. When Nageki finally gets some rest and opens his eyes, Hitori’s are always there, half-lid and waiting. Even among all the suffering, they still tried to beam with joy. That alone, could make Nageki smile, too, if only it wasn't so difficult.

Those days were the end, they both knew. In the end he’d managed to make Hitori accept it. Hitori wasn’t crying simply because Nageki told him not to. The only condition Hitori had managed to impose was that he wasn’t going to leave his side till it was over.

They were fine like that. They were at the end, but they loved each other, and they had made peace with it. One day, they will be reunited - so they continuously said to each other, without ever getting tired of it. It was enough. It was some stability - it was all Nageki could wish for.

 _Live on and be happy after I’m gone, okay?_  
  
_Okay… I’ll try to._  
_  
_ _Do it for me._

 _Fine… If that’s what you want, I’ll do it. Just rest for now, Nageki._  
  
To get Hitori to say that had been the real battle. Countless times he’d refused. But after a while he’d realized exposing Nageki to so many medical screenings was only worsening his mental condition. He didn’t want Nageki to feel sad or get distant. He’d eventually understood it. To Nageki, hearing him say that was the greatest relief. It was peace.

Until that letter came.  
  
Until that letter came and had ruined everything.

Of course deep down Hitori hadn’t accepted anything.

Was this a betrayal on his part? Just why was Hitori so worried that Nageki would never go out and make any friends because of his condition? Why was it so important for him to live a long life? Why, if they could stay like this? If he was already happy and fine like this? With Hitori by his side? Couldn't he understand?

 _Why couldn’t we stay like this forever?_  

Was it that in the end, Hitori really didn’t love him like that? Or... at all?

Skimming through his earliest memories with Hitori, Nageki now relived how he’d felt for him when they were still at Heartful Home. It hadn’t been difficult for the two of them to get close. They were the ‘adults’ of the house, despite Hitori always wanting to assess that role only for himself. Hitori would always go to the same extreme lengths to demonstrate his love for everyone. Why didn’t he know any other way? He seemed so grown-up and admirable at that time. But now he only seemed like a desperate child, stubborn, unreasonable and unable to let go.

Those days when he was still alive, Nageki’s feelings for Hitori grew and grew because he was the only one who could understand him. But he never said anything about them. Not even when they’d started living together alone. By that point Nageki had figured Hitori only saw him as a little brother of sorts. Someone he should take care of obsessively. The last remaining member of the only family he’d ever had, and which he’d lost in the cruelest way. Nageki could read right through him and his overcompensation, just like he could read through any book. And once you’ve read a book many times, you start seeing its every flaw and virtue, all by memory.

 _Memory_ … what a terrible thing to have. But still, it was the last thing Nageki was left with, now.

One thing never changed about Hitori after the incident: his burning desire to help and that pressuring sense of responsibility towards the others he cared for. It only got deeper if anything, and so it was a given that Hitori could never simply let go.

It was admirable, really. Like some sort of hero you’d read in children’s books; and yet he felt so real, so alive - maybe too much.

Why’d he fallen in love with Hitori, who only had something bittersweet to give back? Hitori's love for him and everyone was so intense, and yet Nageki knew it was exactly _because_ of that that it would hurt Hitori eventually, and bring destruction everywhere. That’s why he was worried sick about him not only now, but also back then.

Nageki understood this, and that’s why in the end, he couldn’t blame him for sending him to that suspicious school.

Because Hitori would have suffered more by facing the possibility of one day seeing him die in his own bed. He suffered more every day seeing him weaker and closer to death. He suffered more when he tried to delude himself that he was fine with this and that these inbetween days would somehow last forever.

They were both suffering, in the end, but they didn't know how to properly handle it. But Nageki truly wished to do something about it. Something that would make it all better.

Because Nageki loved Hitori, because he knew his days were over well since the start, but Hitori’s didn’t have to end the same way, because he knew Hitori was better off with an uncertain hope that Nageki would be somehow cured by that doctor, than with the anguish of seeing him wither and crumble down each day; because of all that, Nageki had to make a decision.

However it was also the reason he’d hesitated for a while. Because he loved and worried about Hitori, he also sensed something bad was coming. He’d figured out since the incident at Heartful Home that his body hosted something - something unusual that researchers could value. And if he was right, then he also knew that Hitori would lose it if they'd done harm to him. He’d snap once and for all, crushed forever by the sense of guilt, the kind of guilt that so far was only kept at bay by taking excessive care of him. And without him to take care of anymore, he'd be irrecuperable. Nageki was scared of this, of course. But he couldn’t see him like this either.

He hid the reality of the situation in those letters he sent him for as long as he could. He did it because he loved Hitori, and so he was worried about him more than his own life. Worry, worry, worry... Was love always all about worrying? Nevertheless, it was the very reason he’d become a ghost. There was still something that worried him here, that he couldn’t let go, something suspended: Hitori’s fate. Not even the idea of finding relief from the sadness of his condition in death could really convince him to abandon Hitori.

He’d somehow made peace with it eventually, though. Hitori couldn't see him. Not yet. He’d be fine waiting forever, if necessary, reading those books as a distraction, waiting and waiting and waiting. He told himself he was okay with it, but…

All this brooding was useless and no good. Nageki had decided long ago on his ways: he wouldn’t stop now. Of course he’d continue waiting, and that was all there was to it. So, with something that resembled courage, he went through the last pages of the strange novel Hiyoko had bought for him, not wanting to cease his favorite activity only because of something as foolish as old memories. If he were to think like that, many books would be inaccessible to him, and his permanence in the library would only be more regrettable. Hadn’t he suffered enough? And leaving wasn’t an option. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t cross that door - as if an invisible wall existed, confining him in that enclosure of world only few could access. It was truly the most puzzling and disheartening situation, but he wasn’t going to think about it too much. This was the state of things and he would go on as long as needed.

Having opened the book at the scene he’d left - the robin being thrown aside by the crow - he continued reading.  
  
_Confused, the robin didn’t know what to do, and for a while he despaired, realizing his horrible mistake and the fact that he was now completely lost. But as the blizzard calmed down, the sky became clearer, and so the robin could fly more easily. Driven by his desire to find the swallow, he searched everywhere, until he finally caught eye of a black spot over the white roofs of the city, clutching something in its claws. There they were! Where was the crow taking the little swallow? The robin, aided by the current, flew at a higher speed and reached them from behind. He shouted:_

_"You liar! Give me my friend back!”_

  _The_ _crow, hearing this, laughed scornfully and tried to dash the robin away with a wing, but this time the robin was prepared and dodged the attack. Now, he gripped himself firmly under the crow’s wing, and started plucking his right flying feather and tearing at his muscles, remembering how the right wing was his weak spot. The crow shouted in pain, and was forced to land on a roof.  
_  
_“Y-You're mistaken, robin! See, this is where the humans live. Were you confounded by the storm?” The crow lied in pain, but the robin wasn’t persuaded at all and wanted to retrieve the little swallow. But no matter how much the robin tried, the crow’s claws wouldn’t open. Instead, with a last effort to fly, the crow took the bird over a stork nest on a house’s chimney and said:_

_“There’s fire underneath this tunnel, and your friend will be warm and safe here. The humans always go over the chimneys to get rid of these nests, so when they’ll find him, they’ll rescue him for sure!”_

_But the swallow weeped loudly: “Help me, robin! I’m burning!” In fact, the smoke was growing so thick that the nest was slowly burning. The robin was shocked by this realization and leapt forward in order to save him, but as soon as he moved, the crow put himself between the two, and pushed the swallow deeper inside the nest, which was now almost collapsing inside._

_“Help me, help!”_

_“I’m here! I'm here to save you!”_  
_  
“You can’t, it's too late now... Don't come in, or you’ll get burned, too! This is the end, robin, farewell! You’ve done so much for me, so please... just go. Live on without me."_

_“I won’t let this happen to you, not now! It’s my fault for letting that crow get you!”_

_“I can’t fly and can’t move anymore and I’m falling deeper and deeper down… My wings are useless to fly, and I am so tired, so weak… Don’t blame yourself, robin, I should’ve been dead long ago. But I was so glad to meet you in the end.”_

_“No! Don’t say that! Grab my wing--”_  
  
_But right then, the swallow fell inside the chimney. The robin cried and cried and cried for him, shouting his name many times, but no tears could bring back his dear swallow. As he was about to decide to fall into the chimney, the crow attacked. Apparently, with the previous prey now gone, his new aim was the robin. Full of hatred, the robin counterattacked, but all the damage he could do was small compared to the grief in his heart. The crow eventually fled away, relatively unscathed, and hid in a evergreen tree. The disheartened robin hesitated on following, and preferred looking once more into the chimney and calling for the swallow again._  
   
_But no answer came from inside at all._

_The robin called, and called, and called many times, unable to accept the loss. As he was about to fly inside again, despite the smoke that completely filled his lungs, he heard something strange. He thought he’d been imagining it, but it was true: someone was talking down there._

_“Mom, what’s this here? Something fell in the chimney!”_

_“Oh dear, poor creature. A bird must have fallen from the nest. Let’s take him out, shall we?”_

_The robin couldn’t understand clearly what the two mysterious voices said afterwards, but soon he heard the sound of a door opening._

_He flied near the door and saw two kids and an adult chat, as the adult carried the body of his dear friend in her hands._

_“Mom, mom, what bird is that? Is it a baby bird?”_

_“Is it a baby crow?”_

_“Mom, where do babies come from? Is it true that the stork carries the babies to their homes through the chimney?”_  
  
_“Hush now, this isn’t a baby, nor a crow or a stork. You see, it’s a swallow. Poor thing, its wings are broken. It must have searched for a warm place to sleep.”_

_One of the children, realizing it was dead, started to cry: “Why did it have to die, mom? Couldn’t we take care of it like we did for that baby crow?”_

_“I’m afraid it’s too late for this little one. Hush now, there's no need to cry.”_

_The three approached a clearing in the snow that had evergreen trees on the edge. They decided to stop at the tree on which the crow was hiding. The robin saw this and was alarmed, so he stealthily followed them, tiptoeing on the snow behind._

_The adult human gently placed the swallow beside her on the ground, and with her mitten-clad hands started digging a shallow hole in the snow. then, with a rock, she carved a ditch big enough to cover the swallow’s body. As she was busy with all this, the two children had started playing together throwing snowballs, and no one was checking on the poor swallow anymore. The robin took this as an opportunity to get closer to the other bird again. To his amazement, the swallow was still alive, albeit very feeble and closing in to death._

_“You’re still alive! You’re still alive!” The robin chirped loudly, ecstatic._ _“We should let these humans know! They could help you! You will be--”_

_At that moment, the crow, who had silently jumped from the tree and had reached the scene, appeared out of nowhere, and with a swift move, attempted to kidnap the swallow again. The robin shouted so loudly this time, that all the humans turned around and saw what was happening._

_“Mom! Mom! A crow is taking the swallow away!”_  
  
_The woman promptly shooed the crow away. The crow however wouldn’t leave and stayed at a meter’s range. Apparently, he was so hungry, that he wouldn’t have left the prey so easily. She repeatedly tried to shoo it away, but it would come back again, much to the robin and the swallow’s terror._

 _Then, the children took some rocks and started throwing them at the crow. One of the two kids had such a great aim, that after a few blows, the crow was almost left for dead, so that he finally decided to fly away, leaving dots of blood on the snow._  
  
_“Why did you have to be so mean?” The sister had said to the brother while crying profusely again. However, the mom replied:_

_“That crow ate many weakened birds since the winter started. I think now he's learned a lesson!”_

Nageki paused the reading, sighing. This was a very old fairy tale, the kind that tried to have a moral at the end. He wondered if that sort of thing could really happen to this story, too, after all.

He resumed, now only one page or so left to read.

_With the crow gone, the robin had started chirping more loudly to signal the humans that the swallow was still alive._

_“What does this other bird want? Is he a bad guy like the crow?”_  
  
_"Oh, he’s so small and cute! What is this one called, mom?”_  
  
_“He’s a robin, I think. He’s circling around the swallow… I wonder, is he trying to say something?” The mother looked closer, and saw the little swallow’s eyelids move slightly up and down. “Oh, so he’s saying that the swallow is still alive!”_  
  
_"Then we have to save him! We can’t bury him, we can’t!”_  
   
_“Yes, you’re right, sweetie, but…” The mother wasn’t convinced by the scene. It was then that the robin understood, too._

_The thrashing around, the smoke from the chimney and the pecking from the crow had only made it worse. He was alive yes, but only seconds away from passing. These were going to be their truly last moments together._

_“Please… Please, don’t leave me… not now,” whispered the robin, begging to get a response from the other. The swallow weakly shook his head._

_“I was born weak, unfit for life. When I fell from my nest and broke my wings, there was nothing that could be done for me… that was my fate. But you’ve done the impossible for me, you’ve loved me and gone to such lengths that no one else could. With that, you’ve filled my heart with happiness." the swallow shivered, his eyes starting to close slowly. “You’ve done more than enough for me. So please, live on and be happy for yourself now. I've been trying to tell you that for so long, so please listen to me this time... Be happy… the way you made me happy. Live on… the way you let me live on. I know you can do that. I know you can… do it for me.”_

_Those were the swallow’s last words, as he died._

_Only then, the robin let himself mourn. The humans could tell he was mourning, and felt sad, too, as they understood the swallow had died just then. Not even the kids said anything or cried. The mother made them go back home, and waited by the window for the rest of the day to see when the robin would have left, so that she could bury the swallow._

_When dusk came, the robin finally moved, and as he flew over the clearing, it was as if his chirping sung a sad song._

_As the woman noticed that the robin shook off the snow from his feathers and was preparing to leave, she hurried outside and gently placed the swallow’s body inside a little coffin of wood she’d prepared in the meanwhile. Then, she buried the coffin in the ground, and covered it in snow. The robin watched this from afar and felt grateful. Somehow, that woman reminded him of somebody, a human girl from another life, maybe._

_With that, he spread his wings and flied away, fearless of the future and sustained by the memory of the one who’d loved him so dearly and that he would never forget._

_As the stars began glistening in the sky, he wished for his loved one’s soul to reach them and become one of them, so that every night they could see each other again. And so, the heavens heard the robin’s wish and made it happen. A new star appeared right under his eyes, and it shone brightly three times. The robin chirped, and followed that star to find his new home._

_Now his friend with the broken wings could fly all over the skies freely, and without a worry in the world, making friends with the many others who travel up there, remembering the ones they loved who still live on the ground._

_The swallows and the other birds who have passed away lead those who stay, becoming their north stars, so that one day they will reach them and be united again._

_As the robin rolled his wings with more confidence, he sang:_

_"One day we’ll fly together in the sky. Just wait for me, and I’ll be there when the time comes. Until I see your star, I'll live on for you.”_

And with that, the book was over.

Nageki closed it and pondered on the cover. A little red bird, flying in the night sky towards a white star. Now he understood it.

He had no idea Hiyoko would be the type to read this. She did have a soft heart, beneath that loud exterior.

For a while Nageki could do nothing but sit still and look at the red leaves outside, almost shocked by that happy ending. He had to predict it, as fairy tales usually ended up like that. But this one… had something different, strange about it.

Maybe this was the kind of thing he’d always wished for, in the end. The kind of ending he wanted. The reason he couldn’t go to the sky just yet, but was stuck in that library, was because he hadn’t had an ending like this one.

And that dream the whole class had on the night of the eclipse really did give him an opportunity to leave. But why hadn’t he left then, why not even then? It was as if the heavens were telling him: “You’ve waited long enough, if he won’t come, you should give up.” But… how could Nageki really give up? No, he would have stayed here, reading, conversing with the few who could see him, until… until…

Until…? Forever?

But…

The door almost imperceptibly opened. Someone was pushing it at an extremely leisurely pace, almost like not really wanting to enter. Who could it be? Surely not Hiyoko: she usually barged in without much preamble. Ryota? No, it was too late in the afternoon for that, he had his many part-time jobs. Before he could guess any further on who might visit at such a hour, he was shocked to see who it was.

...Hitori?

In the many years of Nageki’s permanence in the library, Hitori had almost never visited. Of course, he also couldn't see him. It never hurt Nageki too much; it only felt a bit strange to sense his presence and yet not be able to communicate with him at all.

It never hurt too much; until now.

At least the little swallow in the sky could guide the robin in the night; they knew of each other’s constant presence. But Hitori… Hitori was different. He wasn’t like the robin, much like Nageki wasn’t like the swallow. Their life had never been a fairy tale in the first place.

But… something unforeseen definitely occurred right then, just like it would in a fairytale, because Hitori was entering the room, sitting on a chair, and starting to talk to a wall, a table across from where Nageki was. Puzzled, Nageki stared more closely. Hitori wasn't making eye contact, so he assumed he couldn't see him this time either.

“You know… I think I had a dream one of these days… I’m already forgetting it, but… I think _you_ were in it.”

Hitori wasn’t addressing anyone in particular, but for some reason Nageki felt sure he was the one he was talking to. His eyes widened but he didn’t reply, and just let him go on.

“For some reason… I had a feeling I needed to come to this library, to tell you about it. In that dream… we were trapped in a very scary place, and you helped me find myself. You helped me escape from that nightmare, once again, and you felt more… _real_ , than you’d ever been before. I’m not trying to say you’re not real now, Nageki, but…”

Hitori seemed nervous but eventually sighed and shrugged. “I guess this is aimless. I thought Hiyoko, Ryouta and Anghel couldn’t all be lying when they said that they saw you in here, and that you were acting like you acted back then… but… then, why would there be _two_ of you? Right… right… I’m sorry I doubted you like that. I’ll go back to the plan. I’m very sorry, Nageki.”

Nageki’s heart squeezed in pain and he almost felt like bursting into tears. Something a ghost couldn’t do, and which was the reason why he suffered even more, to the point that even Hitori could sense it.

“H-Huh…? Is there anything wrong, Nageki?”

They were both alarmed and tense, the air in the room as still as void. Nothing moved, not even outside-- everything was suspended in time.

Nageki had to do something, quick. The first thing that came to his mind was grabbing that book. He never felt inclined to do this in front of living people, for obvious reasons, but he made the book float for a while, and then placed it in front of Hitori.

Hitori was confused and looked rather distraught, but kept still on his chair.

“What…? did you bring this for me…?” He said. He would have addressed that to the Shadow then, but for some reason, that dark figure was blurring away now, until Hitori couldn’t see it anymore. His eyes kept looking around for it, for  _his_ Nageki, but he was all alone now. Since his attention was diverted from the book, Nageki slammed it again on the table loudly and started flipping the pages in a desperate attempt to get his attention. Hitori returned to look at it, strangely not too scared, but instead mutely waited until Nageki got to the last page. 

“You… want me to read this last page?” He then hesitantly asked.

Nageki replied: “Yes,” and Hitori, ever so faintly and distantly, could grasp that sound. This surprised Hitori to the point of gasping. Trembling slightly by the shock, he obliged to the command and began reading:

 _"It’s fine like this. I couldn’t thank you more for the love you’ve given me, right until the end. It was more than I could ever wish for.”_    
  
_…  
_  
_“You've done enough. You’ve done more… more than enough for me, and I’ll love you forever because of that. So please, live on and be happy for yourself now. ”_

_…_

_“As the stars began glistening in the sky, he wished for his loved one’s soul to reach them and become one of them, so that every night they could see each other again. And so, the heavens heard the robin’s wish and made it happen. A new star appeared right under his eyes, and it shone brightly three times, almost like it was laughing - that made the robin understand that it was him. The robin chirped back, and followed that star to find his new home.“_

_…_

_  
“With his joyful movements across the sky, he and the other birds who passed away lead those who stay, becoming their personal north stars, so that one day they will reach them and be united again. The little swallow was one of them, and the robin was sure of that.”_

_..._

   
_“One day we’ll fly together in the sky, little swallow! With everyone else! Until then, I’ll be flying for you all over the world! Just wait for me, guide me home with your gentle light, and I’ll be there when the time comes.”_  
  
When he was done, Hitori was beginning to cry. His shoulders trembled violently and his tears stained the pages of the book. That was a clear message from the real Nageki, and there was no doubt about it. Seeing this, Nageki felt pity and placed a hand on his shoulder. Hitori was suddenly shaken by the gesture and his eyes gaped. Nageki hugged him and the two stayed locked for seconds that felt like all their lost years.

“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…” Hitori kept mumbling.

But whatever Nageki was saying back, Hitori couldn’t hear it anymore. The contact had lasted too little, far too little in the end. Eventually, even the feeling of Nageki’s embrace started to fade away.

“I know this is what you want for me, but… the things I’ve done… to get you back… it’s too late for me, too late.” Trying to catch some composure back, Hitori stood up slowly. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be over soon. Thank you… for showing me this.”

Nageki frowned deeply and felt worried, but he was happy that for at least a moment they could feel each other’s presence, despite Hitori’s emotional breakdown. The fact that it had happened, replenished Nageki with hope.

“Thank you… Thank you…” Hitori continued to say, as he rubbed tears off his eyes. “I should be the only one to be thanking you. Even after all I’ve put you through, you stayed for me… you still loved me...”

Hitori was simply unable to go on, his words staggering more and more. As he stared down on the book one last time, then around the library, in a uneasy way as he could not see anything anymore, he shakenly began to leave. But before stepping outside the door, he looked back.

“Just… a little longer. Just please, wait for me a little longer. I won’t let you suffer anymore, I won’t leave you alone anymore. You’ll be free very soon, I promise. When everything will be over, then, maybe… maybe we’ll be able to be together again.”

The door swiftly closed.

At the same time, Nageki collapsed, relief and tension mingling together after witnessing the entire mind-boggling scene.

He’d finally managed to talk to Hitori after all those years. They’d finally managed to talk. Even if it was through a book, a silly book Hiyoko had bought for him, it was still… more than they’d ever talked since their abrupt goodbye in that fire.

Nageki hoped that this wasn't going to be the last time they talked. 

Maybe someday there won’t be any need for Nageki to be alone in that library, and for Hitori to be mourning.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very appreciated. Thank you for sticking with me!


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